In the Beginning there was Boredom
by Crystal-One
Summary: But there wasn’t any light yet, for God had forgotten to flip the switch. And God flipped the switch and there was light! And God look upon the light and saw that it was harmful to the eyes…
1. Let there be Stuff!

Firstly, I'd like to let you all know I'm quite a religious person. I'm not out to make fun of God! I think God has the greatest sense of humour ever possible! Anyway, this is an alternate universe, so it's not the SAME guy. God's probably a pretty popular name up there... Anyway, for those of you who wish to laugh, have fun and for those who have already decided they hate my story; go away please... your closed-mindedness is cramping my insanity.  
  
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Chapter One = Let there be Stuff!  
  
In the beginning, there was God. But there was also boredom, which God had quite a lot of at that time. For God had been existing for eternity and after a few eternities even the most confusing soap opera can become tedious.  
  
And so God said, "Let there be light!"  
  
But there wasn't any light yet, for God had forgotten to flip the switch. And God flipped the switch and there was light! And God look upon the light and saw that it was harmful to the eyes… and that it was good. And God was quite proud of his light and for several hours sat basking in the cancer-giving rays.  
  
And God, after spending quite some time in the bright, but empty universe finally noticed that there wasn't really anything for the light to show. God grumbled and said, "I shall do it later." So God went to bed and awoke, that being the first day.  
  
God, blinded by the new light that morning, stumbled out of bed and in his blindness, tripped on his slippers. So God fell three hundred thousand feet into oblivion. When God finally recovered from the fall, he noticed that there wasn't any ground on which he could land.  
  
So God said, "Let there be a firmament that separates the something from the other somethings." (God was tired; the light had kept him up all night) And there was a firmament and God called it Heaven, after his pet snail Gerry.  
  
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth coconuts, the herb yielding seed, bananas and strawberries with which I can make a banana split with, for I am starving my ass off up here."  
  
And God ate his Strawberry Banana Split and saw that it was good. God also saw it melted in the light, which was beginning to pisseth God off.  
  
And God saw that he had stayed up the entire night of the second day making the Strawberry Banana Split (which he had blessed as holy) and grew annoyed. So God decided to separate the night from the day, just so things would be easier…  
  
So God separated the night from the day, and made the night dark and the day bright because the light was beginning to pisseth him off. And God saw that it was good. And went to bed. But half way through the night, God got up to visit the bathroom. Because there was no light, God tripped on his slippers and fell three feet and landed on his face on the firmament.  
  
God was still pissethed with the light, and so God said, "Let there be another light in the heavens… not as bright this time."  
  
And God hung the lesser light in the night and saw that it was good. So God went back to bed.  
  
On the fourth day, God got up and was exhausted. God looked upon the firmament (which in the middle of the night He decided to call earth instead) and saw that all His plants were dying from the light. God glared at the light, but not for long, for it still hurt God's eyes to do so.  
  
So God said, "Let the earth bring forth abundantly the moving creatures that hath life, so I don't have to watch these stupid plants myself."  
  
And God created the great whales, and every living creature that moveth upon the earth.  
  
And God saw that all the fish died.  
  
And God was pissed.  
  
So God grumbled, "Then stick them in the waters!"  
  
And God saw that it as good. And God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful, and multiply and fill the waters."  
  
And God saw that the great whales and all creature that moveth in the waters did so. And God saw that it was good, though a little boring.  
  
So God went to bed. Thus was the forth and fifth days, for God had slept in late and was late.  
  
And God, on the sixth day, finally awoke and tripped on his slippers as He jumped from bed. God fell three feet and landed on the firmament once again.  
  
And God got up, brushed himself off and decided to do something important today. So God said, "Let there be fire!"  
  
And God burned down a third of the earth's land. And God looked around and pressed the 'undo' button.  
  
And God said, "Nevermind. Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle and every creepy creeping thing that creepeth creepily upon the earth."  
  
And God saw that it was good. God also saw that it was boring…  
  
So God said, "Let there be man, made in my own image to make sure everything I made stays good." God was a little lazy and didn't have time to watch the things He created for his favourite Soap Opera was on.  
  
And God created the man and called him Adam, after the name of his pet snail Gerry.  
  
And God saw that it was good and went to bed. But God couldn't get a good night's sleep because Adam was up all night playing loud Ricky Martin music and eating Strawberry Banana Splits. And God told Adam to "Shuteth up." When Adam was shuted up, God went back to sleep. Unfortunately God was still tired in the morning so he called in sick and stayed in bed.  
  
Thus, the heavens and the earth were finished and all the host within them.  
  
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Well, that's it for now. The next chapter will be about Adam's good times on earth... sigh Good times, good times... 


	2. You are a Chicken

This part of the story will explain the creation of Adam and probably lead somewhere into the exile. Wherever I get to.  
  
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Chapter Two = You are a Chicken  
  
So God created a man called Adam. God happened to be a little uncreative at the moment of Adam's design and had also ran out of Creation-ClayÔ so he scooped up some dirt and dust and dumped it on the firmament.  
  
God glared at the dust-heap; it didn't look a thing like him. God shrugged and took a deep breath, content -not happy, but content- with his work. The dust that was dislodged flew right up his holy nostrils and he sneezed a blessed sneeze right on Adam's would-be face.  
  
And Adam said, "What the hell was that for!?"  
  
And God replied, "I haven't madeth hell yet."  
  
And Adam glared and said, "Well why not?"  
  
God grinned and said, "I didn't haveth anyone to put in it. Now I doeth."  
  
So God had created a man but the whiny little bugger didn't have anywhere to live so God slapped down a garden in the east and called it Eden, after the name of his holy pet snail, Gerry.  
  
God tossed Adam in the garden and said, "Out of all of the trees in this garden you may eateth."  
  
And Adam said, "What about this one?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Adam nodded slightly. "And this one?"  
  
"Yes, yes." God said, growing impatient.  
  
"Hmm… and this one?"  
  
"YES."  
  
"Really? Then how ab-"  
  
"YES!!!" God boomed  
  
Adam moved to another tree, in the centre. "What abou-"  
  
"NO!" God roared. "Now shuteth up!" God was beginning to regret making Adam by this time.  
  
And God regained his poise and said unto Adam, "Adam! I have created all of these animals but I am far to lazy to nameth them myself. So… you do it."  
  
And Adam looked upon the animals and began to name them, "You are a chicken."  
  
"You are a cow."  
  
"You are a moose."  
  
"You are a stoat."  
  
And the naming went on like that for several days until finally…  
  
"And…" Adam was very tired, "you are… a louse."  
  
God smiled and said, "Good worketh Adam! Though you may want to reassess the Fluffy Happy Bunny…"  
  
"Why's that?" Adam asked.  
  
"Well…" God pointed at the animal which Adam had called the Fluffy Happy Bunny, "it doesn't really seem to fit with the sharp teeth and the claws."  
  
So Adam renamed the Fluffy Happy Bunny as the Tiger instead.  
  
And although God had created many creatures, not a single one could shut up Adam's incessant whining. Adam had complained about each animal he had named. Comments like, "What were you thinking God?" and "I have to spend the rest of my life looking at this?" were spewed from Adam's mouth at all times. God was once again regretting his decision to make Adam… perhaps that Joe guy would have been better.  
  
So God knocked out Adam and was about to leave him like that for a while when he got an idea.  
  
And God said, "I shall create… WOMAN!"  
  
And God decided not to use dust this time because it made a shitty creation and instead used one of Adam's ribs. When God was finished he said unto the woman, "You shall be called Eve."  
  
And God placed Eve beside Adam, who was still asleep, and Eve said unto Adam, "Adam! Get off you're lazy ass!"  
  
Adam jumped up and said, "Huh?"  
  
"This place is a mess! Look at all of the stoats you've left lying around!"  
  
And God looked upon Eve and saw that all was good, though louder than it was before.  
  
And Eve looked upon God and said, "And what are YOU doing? Just look at heaven! It's a mess up there!"  
  
And God scurried away to watch his soap opera.  
  
Thus Adam and Eve were created. And Adam and Eve lived a happy life in Eden.  
  
But one morning when Eve was gathering strawberries and bananas, with which she would create Strawberry Banana Splits, she heard a faint 'hisssssss'  
  
And Eve looked around, but there wasn't a creature in sight. So Eve went back to work. Eve heard another 'hisssssss' and she looked around again, stepping into a clearing with a single tree in it.  
  
As she walked forward she heard, "Hisssss-ck"  
  
She had stepped on the snake.  
  
And the snake said unto Eve, "Get the hell offff me!"  
  
And Eve said, "Sorry about that."  
  
And the snake replied, "It'ssss okay…"  
  
And Eve said, "So, what do you want?"  
  
The snake responded, "Hath God said, 'Ye shall not eat of every tree in the garden?'"  
  
And Eve thought a moment, "No… I don't recall tha- Oh! Yes… God hath said, 'Ye shall eat of any tree in the garden but the one in the centre.'"  
  
"Why'sss that?"  
  
"We shall surely die."  
  
And the snake laughed, "Ye shall not die! Ye shall know good and evil and be as God!"  
  
And Eve thought a moment and noticed that the fruit on the tree would make a good Banana Split, so Eve picked the fruit and took a bite.  
  
Adam came in and said, "Oooo! Food!" And Adam grabbed the fruit and stuffed his face with it.  
  
And God peeked over a cloud for a moment to check on Adam and Eve and he noticed that they were eating the fruit. And God said, "AHG!"  
  
God leapt up and tripped on his remote. God fell three feet and hit the firmament with his holy face once again. "Thou hast eaten from the tree I sayeth thou must not eateth frometh!!!???"  
  
And Adam pointed to Eve and said, "She did it."  
  
And God glared at Eve and said, "THOU hast eaten from the tree I sayeth not to eateth frometh!!!???"  
  
And Eve nodded, saying, "Yes. But the snake told me to."  
  
The snake said, "Ah, shit."  
  
And God said, "Thou hast ALL done a bad thing! No I sha-"  
  
The snake spoke up, "How could we have known it was a bad thing if thou hadest not giveneth us knowledge of good and evil?"  
  
And God said, "Shuteth up."  
  
And God rose up and roared loudly, "Thou art banished from thy home in Eden! Thou must leave!"  
  
So Adam and Eve left the garden and Eve said unto Adam, "Nice going Adam."  
  
And God placed a Cherubim at the front of the gate of Eden and a flaming sword that turned every which way. And Adam said unto the Cherumbim, "Wow… nice sword."  
  
And the Cherubim said, "Thanks."  
  
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Well, that's it for now. Hope you all liked it so far! Review and tell me what you think I can work on! Or any ideas you have! 


	3. And his Limbs All Hacked and Mangled

This chapter includes a bunch o' stuff.  
  
Boggsley- I'm glad you liked my story, I'd say more but I replied in a review after yours, You can read there if you like!   
  
Kralia- Here's your 'more soon'!  
  
Miss Effie- Glad you liked it.   
  
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Chapter Three = And his Limbs all Hacked and Mangled  
  
And Adam and Eve were cast from the garden of Eden (which wasn't really all that bad for it hadn't gotten very good TV reception) so they did leave and did go out into the world.  
  
And Adam discovered that the world sucked because God had spent all of his time making the garden and spent about twenty minutes making the rest. Adam also discovered that this part of the world did not have Strawberries or Bananas.  
  
And this did piss Adam off.  
  
So Adam did go to the gate of Eden and did say, "Hey! You!"  
  
God looked at Adam and said, "Me?"  
  
"Yes you!"  
  
"Well, what?"  
  
"LET ME IN!"  
  
And Adam threw chickens at the gate of Eden, though not for very long because Adam wasn't in very good shape after eating all of those Strawberry Banana Splits. Finally Adam gave up and went back to Eve and never tried to get into the garden again, for he had decided it was far too much work and that cherubim laughing at him didn't help any.  
  
After a while they didn't even think of the garden… except when God threw big parties celebrating their exile every Friday, of course.  
  
And one day Eve had a child whom she called Cain, because she had loved God's pet snail Gerry.  
  
And then later she bare Abel, obviously his brother for there were no other men than Adam, sadly.  
  
Abel was a keeper of sheep and Cain was a farmer.  
  
And God did like Abel because Abel was also a maker of Strawberry Banana Splits (which God had blessed as holy). But God did not like Cain because Cain was whiny, like his father.  
  
And one day Cain came to God and said, "Why art thou favouring my brother over me?"  
  
And God said, "You suck."  
  
And Cain said, "I do not!" in a fairly whiny manner.  
  
And God said, "Yep."  
  
And Cain did furrow his brow and did glower at the Lord and did say, "…Nya!" And Cain did stalk off.  
  
And it came to pass that Cain and Abel were talking in the fields and arguing over which was better, Leafs or Sens. And Cain did rise up and strike his brother with a large chicken leg.  
  
And Abel did fall to the ground. And Cain whacked at Abel's limbs until they were severely hacked and mangled. And God came around the corner and stared as Cain spat on his brother's corpse and said, "Leafs."  
  
And God screamed, "Cain! What haveth you done!?"  
  
And Cain hid the chicken leg behind his back and said after a moment, "Nothing…"  
  
And God said, "But I just saweth thee hacking your brother to little tiny bits with a chicken leg!"  
  
And Cain replied, "He is resting."  
  
And God scoffed and pointed at the disfigured body, "No he isn't! Looketh at him! His limbs are all hacked and mangled!"  
  
And Cain looked down at Abel and said, "It's just a flesh wound."  
  
And God said to Cain, "You are cursed among people! Now go away!"  
  
And Cain did go away.  
  
And God walked off.  
  
And Abel's body started to attract vultures…  
  
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Ha ha ha… not very long this time. Meh. Next will be the flood and Noah and stuff. 


	4. And the Horror Began Again

Liz- Yay!   
  
Miss Effie- Yes! FAR too many Monty Python references. I own the movie and I felt like it was the only thing that could be said! That'll be it for MP I hope… lol  
  
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Chapter Four = And the Horror Began Again  
  
And it came to pass, when men multiplied on the face of the earth, they took it a little too seriously… Adam had had FAR too many children like Cain and FAR too few children who were like Abel.  
  
And the world was filled with many complaining men. And the Lord God decided he was sick of the shrill whining,  
  
"I shall destroy man whom I have created -especially Adam."  
  
But on the day God had decided he would create fire again, Noah had bought God a very nice hat with a feather on top. And God blessed the feather hat as holy and said unto Noah, "Ok Noah… buildeth a boat. Really, really big. And puteth all of your family in it."  
  
And Noah asked, "Why Lord?"  
  
And God replied, rolling his divine eyes, "Cause I'm going to drowneth everyone else. Obviously."  
  
And Noah said, "Good idea, oh Lord! But what about the animals?"  
  
And God was examining the hat, "The what?"  
  
"The animals, Lord! Creepy creeping and all…"  
  
"Hm? Oh! Oh yes… the animals… well… geteth a bunch of those too then." God returned to his hat.  
  
And Noah did as God commanded.  
  
Though it certainly wasn't as easy as Noah had thought it would be…  
  
And after Noah had collected all of the fluffy, cute animals, he began work on the more dangerous ones. When all had been finished, Noah was about to board the ship when…  
  
"Oy! I forgot the unicorns!"  
  
So Noah did run out into the wilderness and hoist two fat, one-horned horses onto his back and did begin to run back to the ark.  
  
But along the way Noah did drop one unicorn into a large, bottomless pit (which there were many of, for God had forgotten to finish such places) as was left with a single one. And Noah looked over both shoulders and tossed the other into the hole.  
  
And Noah did return to the Ark and board it. And immediately after he did, the Lord God dumped a bucket of water on the earth and it was instantly flooded.  
  
And the days on the Ark were long, for the Ark was smelly and putrid and not a single board in the ship wasn't covered in shit.  
  
And after about one week the humans on the Ark began to get a little hungry.  
  
And after about one week the animals on the Ark began to get a little hungry.  
  
And it wasn't long after that that Noah began to go crazy. And Noah did sharpen knifes and forks and sporks and did mutter ceaselessly about flying monkeys and their size relative to dinner plates.  
  
And finally God looked upon the earth and said, "Oh shit! I left the tap on again!"  
  
And got turned off his tap and hopes nothing went too wrong down there.  
  
And so Noah noticed the rain had stopped and he put down his knives and forks and sporks and flung one of the doves out the window of the Ark and said, "Find. Land. Now."  
  
And the dove flew away.  
  
And Noah didn't see the dove again for a week until it finally returned. And Noah rejoiced seeing that in it's beak was a Burger King wrapper. And suddenly the Ark hi land and Noah and his family removed the covering of the Ark and looked upon the land they came to.  
  
And Noah took a stoat and made it into a hat and plucked a feather from a peacock's behind and made a hat and gifted the Lord with this hat.  
  
And the Lord God said, "Let this be a token of the covenant I share with you."  
  
And Noah asked, "And what about the whole destroying the world thing?"  
  
And the Lord paused a moment, "Um… I won't do it again." And the Lord God crossed his mighty fingers behind his back.  
  
And thus the horror was started all over again.  
  
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There! Hopes you all like it! Review if you can, I really enjoy reading them! Next chapter I'm going to skip ahead until Moses' time. 


	5. Moses and the Flaming Shrubbery

**NOTE: This chapter has been updated/improved. Hopefully it's better/longer than before.**

kamikazepanda- I'm glad you enjoyed the Monty Python stuff!  
  
Skywalker05- Eep! I'm sorry! I didn't know they were your lines! The chicken thing was because I like chickens (a tribute to my friend ) and the sword thing just came to me one day… maybe I remembered it from your fic… I think I've read it, but I don't remember.  
  
So, I can take out the sword thing because that may have been from memory, but the chicken was from my/my friends' love of chickens so I'll leave it. Is that okay?  
  
sweet tooth- Glad you like it so far!  
  
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Chapter Five = Moses and the Flaming Shrubbery  
  
And it came to pass that in Egypt, the Pharaoh, who was king, did walk out into the city and did see that his people were slaving over heavy jewels and piles of gold and the Pharaoh decided to enslave some race and make them do the work so his people could get the gold to him faster.  
  
And so the Pharaoh took out his map and did close his eyes and wave his finger above the map until it landed upon a place; Israel. And so Pharaoh sent a bunch of people to drag the Israelites to Egypt.  
  
And it was done and the Israelites were enslaved. And they said among them selves, "Damn, this does sucketh…"  
  
And one day Pharaoh decided to kill a bunch of people, for the Pharaoh was extremely impulsive. And he decreed across the land of Egypt that all male children born to the Hebrews would be killed.  
  
And the mother of one such child did fling her son into a river.  
  
And the boy was found my the wife of the Pharaoh, who said unto her maid, "Ewww! There's something in the water!" And she did seize a chicken leg to bat at the child with.  
  
And one of the maids, Snarfulopuese, fished out the child and said, "Wait! 'tis a boy-child!"  
  
And the Pharaoh's Wife said, "What a strange place to find a baby. I will raise him as my own! I will name him Moses because that's what it says on this nametag around his neck."  
  
And she raised Moses as her own and he followed in the footsteps of his father.  
  
And one day Moses was eating a carrot and another Egyptian came and said, "Hey that's my carro- "  
  
But the other did not get to finish his sentence for Moses had smacked him across the face. For you see, Moses was a little impulsive as well.  
  
And one day he decided, "I shall kill that Joe guy I don't like."  
  
And he did. And he got in trouble for some reason and had to retreat to the mountains to hide. And while he hid, he found a cave and within the cave there was a shrubbery and on the shrubbery there was an apple.  
  
And just as Moses was beginning to ponder why an apple had grown on a shrubbery, God dropped a match from heaven and it fell three feet and landed on the branch of the shrubbery, which burst into flames. And God looked down and said, "Shi- I mean BOO. I am God!"  
  
And Moses said, "Who?"  
  
And God said, "I AM!"  
  
And Moses said, "Oh… I see… cool."  
  
God continued, "I AM THAT I AM."  
  
And Moses backed away slightly, "Ok… I get it…."  
  
And the Lord said unto Moses, "I wouldest liketh a large pizza with- oh wait… thiseth isn't Pizza Shack… who art thou?"  
  
"I am Moses."  
  
"Who the hell… OH! Howeth are you doing?"  
  
"Um… I just killed a guy."  
  
And the Lord did furrow his brow at Moses and did say, "Thou has giveneth me this headache then?"  
  
And 'hat Joe guy' did peer out from the flame and did scream shrilly, "Thou art an idiot! I'll kick your ass wheneth you die! And I Curseth you with I plague of chickens!"  
  
And Moses said, "Sorry about that…"  
  
And Joe said, "It's okay I guess…" and disappeared  
  
And God spoke up again, saying, "Anyways… I am displeased with the Pharaoh of Egypt. He didn't giveth me a feathered hat wheneth I asked him to! I only asked for a nice hat, not too expensive… but nooo! He didn't eveneth so much as-"  
  
And Moses did watch as the Lord complained for three days and three nights until finally Moses screamed, "I CAN'T TAKE IT!"  
  
And Moses did grab a pail of water and did attempt to extinguish the flame of God, if only to shuteth him up.  
  
And the Lord said, "I am melting! I am MELTING!!"  
  
And there was finally quiet. Until the Lord did chuck another match at the shrubbery and did roar from the flame, "THOU hast displeased me! The Lord curses you to a life of-"  
  
And Moses did drop to his knees and did weep like a little girl and did plead with the Lord to forgive him. And God said, "Well… alright… if you do ONE thing for me."  
  
And Moses said, "Anything Lord! Anything!"  
  
And the Lord said, "I would like a feathered hat."  
  
And Moses replied, "Of course!"  
  
The lord continued, "And I would like to you to go to the Pharaoh and tell him to let your people go."  
  
And Moses did stand and say, "What? Why?"  
  
And the Lord said, "He has enslaved your people! Also, I don't liketh him very much…"  
  
But Moses said, "Who am I, that I should go unto the Pharaoh? Why don't you do it, all powerful God?"  
  
And the Lord laughed, "My show doest starteth then!"  
  
And Moses did furrow his brow. "They will not believe me! The Pharaoh will not let them go just because some Hebrew claims to have seen you!"  
  
And the Lord said unto Moses, "Then if he doesn't believeth, I will smite him with my smiting powers. I'll smiteth him good, I will."  
  
And Moses said, "… … …But I don't wanna!"  
  
And the Lord said, "GO! Oh, and take this stick with you."  
  
Moses said, "Why?"  
  
And the Lord said, "I have blessed it as holy. It is a holy stick that will bringeth the world many great deeds… it is a stick of power in which I placeth all of my trust… oh Moses, please protecteth this thy holy stick so that you may use it to poketh out the eyes of thy enemies…"  
  
And Moses said, "Don't you haveth anything better than a pointed stick?"  
  
"No."  
  
And Moses grumbled, but left for Egypt.  
  
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Meh. That sucked. It'll be better next time, don't worry!


	6. The Ten Commandments, the revised versio...

This is going to be very short. heh  
  
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**Chapter Six = The Ten Commandments, the revised version**  
  
And Moses met with the pharaoh and he said, "Leteth my peoples go!"  
  
And the Pharaoh said, "What? What do you mean?"  
  
And Moses paused. "Well… uh, leteth themeth goeth? You know… away?"  
  
And the Pharaoh frowned. "You mean into the desert…? But, why…?"  
  
Moses thought a moment, then looked up. "Yeah, why God?"  
  
And God said, "Shuteth up! Just tell him again."  
  
And so Moses tooketh up his stick and said. "'Cause we, uh… wanteth to!"  
  
And the Pharaoh, putting down his tea cup, said. "Oh, well in that case… you're free to go."  
  
Moses lowered the staff. "Oh… really?"  
  
And the Pharaoh replied, "Yes, go ahead."  
  
But God thought this was a rather boring ending to the story and in a thundering cloud came upon the Earth and said, "There will be plagues of frogs and locusts and darkness uponeth your people pharaoh! Lots ofeth 'em!"  
  
And Moses whined in a shrill voice from below, "But Lord… he already let us go!"  
  
But God ignored Moses, for Moses was whiney. And eventually Moses did finally get out of Egypt, although the Pharaoh no longer liked him very much. And because of this, Moses did not get the map of the desert.  
  
And for forty years Moses and the former "slaves" wandered in the desert.  
  
And for forty years they whined until God could no longer taketh it. And God created an oasis in the desert. Remembering his earlier mistake, God created a list of commandments.  
  
The first draft went like this:  
  
1. Thou shalt not whine.  
  
2. Thou shalt not killeth thy brother with a chicken leg.  
  
3. Thou shalt not eat cabbages.  
  
4. Thou shall remember I am the Lord and keep it that way.  
  
5. Thou shall createth hats with feathers each Sabbath and they shall be holy.   
  
6. Thou shalt not steal from thy neighbour, but family members are okay.  
  
7. Thou shall name thy children after Gerry.  
  
8. Thou shalt not play loud Ricky Martin music, for he is whiney.  
  
9. Thou shalt not enter Eden. (Adam's faulteth)  
  
10. Thou shalt actually listen to my commandments and not whine about them.  
  
The second version was a little more general, and God decided to use that one instead.  
  
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Okay, I realise that was short, but next I'll have the new testament. That'll be fun. And that's an understatement. 


	7. The Naming of Stumpy! Oh, and the birth ...

I am so going to be flamed for this. Okay, once again I remind people that this is an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. I am in NO WAY making fun of God, or Jesus. I love the bible, in fact… it's a very cool story with some good lessons (and although it's obviously not a historical record, it's pretty neat all the same)  
  
Now then, to answer questions from our readers!!! Yay!  
  
1) A spiritualist is basically just someone who does not follow a certain belief system (such as Christianity) and has their own way of thinking. Many believe in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, like myself.  
  
2) Yes! That was an MP reference! Glad you caught it Effie!  
  
3) Oops! You're right Kralia… it was his wife… well… we'll just say that it… THEY'RE ON TO ME!

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**Chapter Seven = The Naming of Stumpy! Oh, and the birth of Jesus…**  
  
And it came to pass that God grew bored of his television shows and began to watch the people of Earth again. And God noticed that children were the newest fashion. And God grew jealous, and wantedeth one of his own. And so God looked among the females of his creation and saw Mary.  
  
And Mary was particularly quiet, which God liked. And God looked around and touched the flatland of earth.  
  
And Mary jumped, "Holy crap!"  
  
And an angel of God came unto her and said, "Do not be afraid, you have been chosen by God to carry his only son."  
  
And Mary stared, "WHAT!?"  
  
And God went into hiding for a few days.  
  
And Mary finally decided to tell Joseph, who was her boyfriend, but Joseph didn't believe her. And so the angel of God came unto Joseph and said, "Hey, buddy!"  
  
And Joseph squealed like a little girl but, after much therapy and several kinds of medication, admitted that it may be possible. And so Joseph took Mary as his wife. Reluctantly.  
  
And it came to pass, that Herod the King did become once again bored with his subjects and decided to execute each and every one of them. And his advisors advised against it and so he said, "Well, damn. What about just a few hundred?"  
  
And his advisors said, "It probably wouldn't be advis-"  
  
But, because of his ADD, Herod became bored quite quickly and stopped listening. And he did speak again, "Ya ya, whatever… what can I do?"  
  
And his advisor looked to his advisor, who said, "I'll have to ask my advisor…" And this pattern continued on for quite a few days…  
  
And eventually Herod did get the news, though it had changed quite a lot through the line of advisors…  
  
For it had changed from "let's attack Rome" to "send them all home". And Herod thought this was a smashing idea and did proclaim throughout the land that all people would return to their town of origin.  
  
And Bethlehem was the birthplace of Joseph. And since Mary was with child, and quite moody, Joseph bought a donkey for their trip.  
  
And so they began their trek to Bethlehem. And it came to pass that Joseph became whiney. And they walked in the desert with Mary on the donkey and Joseph began to complain.  
  
And he said, in an amazingly whiney manner, "It's _hot_… my feet hurt! I have sand in my _sandals_! Are we there yet? Why aren't we there yet? The donkey won't stop crapping! The donkey _smells _like crap! I have dust in my eye! Ow, it _hurts_! Are we there ye-"  
  
And Mary did mutter about rocks and the ideal sharpness for murder and did pray for silence. And she did say, "Oh, **shuteth up** you whiney idiot! If you'll shut your damn **pie hole** I'll let you ride the **damn donkey**!"  
  
And Joseph did hop on the donkey and did ride the rest of the way to Bethlehem (although he did not cease his whining and several times Mary had to knock him out). And when they reached the outskirts of the city, Joseph did see the men watch and did let Mary sit on the donkey the rest of the way, for Joseph wanted to look good in front of his friends.  
  
And they entered the city of Bethlehem and Mary did grow tired of Joseph's droning and did say to him, "Joseph, just… go. I'll find us an Inn, you go and sell the donkey for money."  
  
And Joseph did squeal with delight and did race off with joy with the donkey.  
  
And Mary did find an Inn and did wait for Joseph to return with the cash. And Joseph did return smiling, with a three-legged camel in tow. And Mary stared at him and did say, "What the hell is that? Where's the money for the Inn?"  
  
And Joseph did say, "I traded it for this camel! Isn't it great!"  
  
And Mary did gawk, "What!? It only has three legs! Who buys a three-legged camel!?"  
  
And Joseph did reply, "I wonder what I should name him?"  
  
And so Joseph had no money and so they stayed that night in a barn.  
  
And it came to pass that Mary did go into labour and was in a great deal of pain.  
  
And Joseph did mumble, "Well, "Leggie" is a little sarcastic… but "Stumpy" is kind of derogatory… Mary, what do you think of Stumpy?"  
  
And Mary did grasp Joseph's arm and did glare and say, "FINE! STUMPY IS JUST _FINE_! NOW **SHUTETH UP**!"  
  
And finally Mary did have her baby and Joseph did look upon his son and did say, "We shall call him Stumpy Jr. for Stumpy did come before hi-"  
  
And Mary did hit him on the head with a large chicken leg and did scream, "No you idiot! His name is Jesus!"  
  
And during this, in the east, there had been three wise men, who had been following a bright star for quite some time. And they did carry precious gifts, for they had heard of the saviour's birth and wished to suck up to him right and early. And they were indeed wise.  
  
And as they traveled, they came upon Herod the king. And Herod had grew once again bored and stopped the wise men, saying, "Hey! What'cha doin'"  
  
And the wise men did say, "We are following yonder star westward, in search of the king."  
  
And Herod did say, smiling, "Why, I am the king! You sillies…"  
  
And the wise men did smile and nod and did say, "Sure you are… okay… oh, we believe you..."  
  
And Herod did become angry and did say, "I _am_! When you find this 'king'… tell him... I challenge him **to a DUEL**!"  
  
And the wise men did continue on as if this hadn't happened.  
  
And as they neared Bethlehem they did see a large neon sign that read,** "Appearing one night only: Jesus Christ, premiere performance!"**  
  
And they came upon the shelter of Mary and Joseph and Jesus and they did bow before his manger and did say, "Oh Lord, we worship you and if you ever have need of a king or ruler or rich-person then look no further than us!" And they did bestow upon him the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.  
  
And while this divine ass-kissing did take place, the shepards of a nearby field did look to the skies and did see angels. And the angels did say, "Do not fear, we come with good tidings of peace."  
  
And the shepard did throw away his alcohol immediately and did cower in fear.  
  
And the angel did say, "I just told you 'do not fear'! Damn humans… never listen…"  
  
And the shepard did say, "What? Could you repeat that?"  
  
And the angel was glad that aliens would someday overtake the earth and enslave all the humans. And he said, "Go to Bethlehem, there you will find a child wrapped in swaddling clothes. He is Jesus, son of God."  
  
And the shepard had not been listening, but decided to pretend he had and followed the neon flashing lights toward the birthplace of Jesus.  
  
And Mary did look for cloths to wrap Jesus with, but there were none and she did tell Joseph to buy some with what little money they had left. And Joseph did get his camel and did attempt to ride it to the store. And the camel did collapse, for it had but three legs…  
  
And Joseph did goeth to the store with his list, which read: "milk, bread, Jell-O and swaddling clothes" And he did browse for hours and did return with cheese, cake and glue.  
  
And Mary said unto him, "This isn'teth what I asked for! And where are the swaddling clothes…?"  
  
And Joseph did pause to look at the list again and did say, "I don't know what that is."  
  
And Mary did glare and did snatcheth his head-shroud and wrap it around baby Jesus. And Joseph did pout.  
  
And God finally came out of hiding and did look upon the earth cautiously and did see his newest creation. And he did say, "Damn, I'm good."

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I hope you all enjoyed it, I certainly did! Expect an elaboration of Jesus' little-known childhood and teenage-years next chapter. And thank you for reading and reviewing! Love you all!


	8. The Chocolate, Sugar, and Puppy Factory

This chapter is going to be VERY short… with a long notice at the top. First, I'd like to apologise for not updating or even writing anything for such a long, long time. I've been busy with school and such… you know? Meh. 

Anyway…

**To "bob" (horseluver54:  
**I'm sorry to hear that I may have offended you; it was not my intention. I am not adding on the bible, however, I'm merely writing a story that's based on it. I love the bible, it has so many wonderful things to teach people! You're not being rude in any way. Please understand though, that this is not meant to be taken seriously. Also, I believe Jesus was fully human and fully divine. That's what I was taught. Every once in a while, even Jesus makes mistakes because was a man as well as God. People often forget that. Maybe if you had read this you'd understand… don't judge a story by it's title.

**To " ! ":**  
I don't believe I will be judged on this... one lives a sad life always fearing judgment from an angry God. I am trying to add some laughter to this sad and lonely planet's population. What are you doing to help? Fear and worry are two things we do not need any more of, my friend... love, laughter, and forgiveness are certainly things to be added though. Why not try seeing that perspective instead?

**To "Boggsley:**  
Why thank you, I suppose. I'm glad you liked it. However, this is an alternate universe in which I make the rules. (Laurelland or Laurelania if you please) and so this doesn't rewrite the Third Eye. I myself am quite in tune, and so I would notice something while writing. I don't fear God. I'm merely one of those people who thinks God could use a few laughs up there in the big white oblivion. Must be boring. That's why I wrote this. Glad you liked it though! I'm working on the next chapter right now! By the way, I'm not Christian (I'm a very spiritual person though, without any specific religion). So don't try to 'freak me out' by claiming this is Satanic.

**To "Almost Insane":**  
I was unable to find your previous review… but no matter. You are allowed to hate my story, of course, so I don't mind. Thank you for reading!

I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I am not Christian or any other religion; I am my own person with my own beliefs. Spirituality is personal so I do not think I have the right to try and change others' ideas on life, even if I disagree. I will, however, give my opinion. The above is my opinion, the below and all other chapters are pure nonsense. Let's not fight over who is going to hell because it's not our place to decide what it right and wrong. God alone reserves that right. I think you for being concerned, I apologise for seeming offensive if I ever have, and I thank you for taking the time to read my story!

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**Chapter Eight The Chocolate, Sugar, and Puppy Factory**

And it came to pass that Jesus grew into a child. And Jesus was a good child, except when he had excessive sugar, for Jesus was the son of God.

And one day Jesus was sitting upon a hill and 'lo and behold and other exclamations; the clouds did part and a voice could be heard from the sky. And Jesus did look up and did cry out, "Holy sh-"

And God did roar, "Whatcheth your language!" And God did cross all of his holy arms and say, "Jesus Christ… whateth did I tell you about not cleaning your room?"

And Jesus did sigh, "Cleaneth your room or I shall smite you good."

And God did nod and sayeth, "And why haven'teth you cleaned your room?"

And Jesus did whine, "But dad… I don' wanna…"

And God did furrow his brow and Jesus did mutter and go to clean his room.

And it came to pass that Jesus' Sunday School waseth having a bringeth-your-parent-to-school day and Jesus did plead with God and God did reluctantly cometh. And God did sit upon a tiny plastic chair and did listeneth as the other parents did speaketh about their various jobs. And God was bored again…

And when God did go up he did say, "I am the Lord your God!" And lightning did striketh and sheep did baa and waters did part across the lands. And the children did ooh and ahh-eth and God was much loved. Again.

And then Timmy's father did goeth next and he did own the chocolate, sugar and puppy factory. And the children did ooh and ahh-eth and Timmy's father was saideth to be much cooler than God. And God did grumble.

And one day Jesus waseth walking to school and he did hear someone crying. And Jesus did seeth a girl who had stubbed her toe and Jesus, being new at the whole miracle thing, did maketh her entire foot disappeareth. And Jesus was proud of his work, but the girl did freaketh out, so Jesus decided to work on that one later.

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Not very long, I know… but I'll try to update again soon. 


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